I have only known I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) for a few years, but I happened to stumble across this older blog post I wrote to family and friends as my husband and I, after trying to conceive with no success, were finally given some tough answers to our many questions. I know that this is not the month for PCOS Awareness, but this is a very difficult time for women who are Mothers in waiting as we are being bombarded with a wave of baby showers in the coming months. I thought it would be nice to let other women in a similar position know that they are not alone and that there is hope for building the family you have always wanted. If nothing else, it is nice to share my very raw emotions that I felt in the that week of being diagnosed and where my thoughts lead me to start a journey of healing and helping myself prepare for whatever outcome I was meant to have. In solidarity, in understanding, in compassion, and in love- I am with you, as you, who are experiencing infertility or child loss, are trying to find the will and the strength month after month. May your dreams come true in the most beautiful way possible.
Hello again family and friends,
If you’re still tuning in to the story of our humble lives, I thank you for your interest.
In my last post I expressed my desire for women to seek second opinions when it comes to their health. I went on to state that John and I were trying to start a family and that was the starting point for us, my womb health- because I had some red flags over the past year.
Without a doubt, you know yourself when something is not right with your body. It is your vessel and when your ship needs righted, you certainly are aware of that. I was aware that my body was not responding naturally during my cycle and this created a ripple effect on many aspects of my body, health, and overall wellness. And I set out seeking answers a year ago only to find what my instincts were leading me to believe are confirmed to be true.
For the first time on Monday morning I saw a real fear come to life as I stared my ovaries in the face while reviewing a sonogram with my ob/gyn. There I saw proof that I have PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome) which is creating cysts that are underdeveloped on one side or in clusters on the other, which are releasing a flood of too many hormones at once. This combination is not allowing my body to ovulate. Without ovulation we cannot conceive easily or possibly even naturally.
Although I am relieved to know that I was correct in my self diagnosis, I was left with a void where my hopes and dreams once were. As long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I wasn’t one of those girls who day dreamed about being a successful career woman or the first woman President early on, my dreams were of being a mother. I have envisioned and prayed for and hoped and wished for a baby, a child, a being that I created from the inside out. And here I sat in that office, in a gown, freezing….feeling like the one thing I want the most in this world was slipping through my fingers like sand that I couldn’t hold onto if I tried.
I’ve been too many emotions this week. And when I’m emotionally low my faith is high. I know that this news isn’t the end. It only means we have an uphill battle. I know that I’m not alone in feeling this as 1 in 8 women experience the same thing. I know that this is something that we will have to work at more than most. I am trying to be still. I am trying to be positive. I am trying to relax and take even better care of myself. I’ve been reserved this week, and I plan to be for as long as I need to be so I can get through a day without tears. I’ve got a great support system in family and close friends and when I’m ready I can fully embrace the loving distractions they are offering. John is/was/has been/will always be the one that keeps me grounded, keeps me going, and knows how to love me without words when I need him. I cherish the person he is at his core.
And I’m sharing this because I need to. I need to write…it’s been my ultimate therapy since I was 8. I need to say all these things because this is how I heal. I need to because I want other women like me struggling to conceive to know that they’re not alone. I need to because all of my life I’ve been the one who is talkative and boisterous, so when I’m introverted it sticks out like a sore thumb and everyone knows something is wrong. But most importantly I need to because prayer is always more powerful in numbers and I’m asking for yours. Please say a prayer if you think of John and I. When we cross your minds whisper a little prayer for us and our future family. We are strong and faithful, but every little bit helps.