The other day, my 6-year-old daughter came running up the stairs with a load of heavy books and toys in her arms.
She deposited them on the table and declared, “I’m pretty strong!” Then, almost as an afterthought, she added, “For a girl.”
My husband and I immediately reacted at the same time.
“No, no, no! Don’t say ‘for a girl!’” I emphatically told her.
“You’re strong, period!” my husband said. “Don’t ever let someone think you can’t do something because you’re a girl!”
“Ok, ok, ok!” our daughter said, surprised at our reaction. “Sorry!”
There was no need to apologize, we told her. We simply wanted her to understand that she’s strong and great and smart and awesome because of who she is – not in spite of her gender.
Never once in the nearly 7 years that we’ve been raising our child have we ever, ever told her that she could or couldn’t—or should or shouldn’t—do something simply because she’s a girl. So hearing the words “for a girl” come out her mouth was nothing short of startling.
It was the first time I’d ever heard her sell herself short because she’s a girl, and it left me wondering why these words escaped her lips. It was but a fleeting second in time, but it was, no doubt, a teachable moment.
I gently asked her why she added “for a girl” to the end of that statement, and she genuinely didn’t know, and I didn’t press her. I couldn’t help wondering, though: Was it because of something she heard at school or on the bus? We don’t have cable, and the TV shows she watches are typically sans advertising, so it couldn’t be the media’s influence. Or could it?
She’s only 6 years old. She’s obviously not thinking about the long-term effects of gender labeling. Yet, if we had stayed silent or–worse–had said, “Yes, that’s right honey. You ARE strong for a girl!” we would have reinforced those gender norms that women have been battling against since the beginning of time. And as a strong mother raising a strong daughter, I adamantly refuse to let that happen.
After all, it’s been more than 50 years since JFK signed into law the Equal Pay Act, and yet, women are STILL fighting for equal pay and against gender discrimination. All over the world, young girls are still denied access to education because they’re girls. Women in the workplace are routinely denied promotions and raises simply because they’re women. Girls are told that they should wear pink and focus on their hair, while boys are encouraged and expected to pursue careers in engineering and science. If you’re looking for evidence of this, look no further than these recent dueling covers of Girls’ Life and Boys’ Life, which went viral a few months ago after comedian Amy Schumer shared this photo on her Instagram page:
So if we’re ever going to shatter the archaic stereotypes that girls are strong or smart in spite of their gender, we need to stop with the “for a girl” and “for a boy” nonsense. We need to teach our kids that they’re smart and funny and strong and kind because of who they are as people, period.
