When my family and friends ask me how it’s going I am always honest when I say I’m struggling.
I am five months pregnant, working full-time from home, while trying to keep my five-year-old son occupied and I am struggling.
I’m not struggling physically or financially. I mean the internal struggle. Mentally.
The world keeps on spinning and here I am stuck in the middle of it, inside my home where nowhere to go.
Just like that my busy world stopped. No warning, no slow down. It just stopped. Isolated.
The world is quiet. There is no energy. There are no more morning rushes, family gatherings, or weekend plans.
The days all seem to run together. There is no routine, no schedule.
There are no breaks. No breathers. There is still no free time. You are just trying to get through your day to survive until tomorrow repeats itself.
The things we take for granted are the things we want back the most.
I don’t necessarily miss my commute to work, but I miss the car ride listening to the Highway every morning. I miss my trolley ride where I could read a book for a full forty minutes without being interrupted. My commute was once my me time. I miss having lunch with my friend so can vent about our lives and laugh at the little things. I miss taking my son to places like the store, library, anywhere to get his energy out because lets face it he is struggling too.
I feel the most sorry for my son as I’m sure most moms do. He eats breakfast alone watching cartoons instead of at his grandmas. He’s trying to learn over video meetings as his little face tears up in frustration as he’s trying to figure it out. His energy is outrageous because he has no outlet.
I joke and call my son my parasite, because even though he’s with me all day he wants to be near me all night.
Somewhere in the middle of the chaos I still am able to feel blessed.
I am beyond blessed that my husband and I still have jobs. I’m forever grateful that I get to spend extra time with my son that I would have never gotten before the arrival of our second baby.
Sometimes we think that we can’t feel blessed and frustrated or angry or unhappy at the same time. There are a lot of other families struggling more than my family so I should feel grateful. I do wholeheartedly feel grateful, but I am human and also feel defeated.
I feel like I’m failing as a parent because my focus is not solely on my son as he’s trying to navigate online learning. He watches more TV and the iPad in a day than I can count just so I can keep him occupied. I’m not the arts & crafts mom who can create a million and one things for her child to do to keep them entertained. I barely read the optional emails the teachers send me every day.
But, you want to know a secret? It’s okay.
It’s okay to feel defeated and blessed. It’s okay to feel grateful, but unhappy. It’s okay to not be the best quarantine mom.
In some way we are all trying to adjust to a new normal. It’s definitely not easy and many of us are feeling the same way. We all have our unique situations we are facing and we are trying to do the best we can.
If you are struggling please reach out to your family, friends, or even blogger to vent, laugh, or cry. We’ll listen and hopefully provide strength when you need it the most.
Stay strong mamas, we got this!